Why?

I had a dream a couple of nights ago. I tend to have fairly vivid dreams on a regular basis, about a wide variety of things. I remember dreaming about Amy before I was pregnant. I could see her little face, her bright blue eyes, and her ton of hair. I knew our first baby would be a girl. And Amy looked exactly like the baby from my dream when she was born.

Suffice it to say, I remember a lot of my dreams, and I feel like they usually have a great deal of meaning. Often, of course, they have something to do with what's going on in my life right then, or something I've been thinking about lately.

Well, my dream a couple of nights ago involved my biological mother. I met her in a restaurant somewhere. There were lots of people around who seemed also to be biologically related to me. I remember staring at her, trying to think of what I wanted to say to her.

I have always wondered why she did what she did. The stories I have are so fuzzy, and it's not really clear what exactly happened. I've been thinking about it a lot lately (which is probably why I dreamed about it).

I've forgiven her and those involved as far as I'm able. I don't hate her. I don't wish her any ill. That doesn't mean that I want a relationship with her, but I just don't want to waste the energy it would take for me to have those negative feelings.

In my dream, I started talking to her. I was surprisingly...emotionless...in my dream. I wasn't angry. But I told her that it just didn't matter anymore. And I've decided, in my waking state, that I really do think that.

It doesn't matter why those who abused and injured me did what they did. What matters to me is that the Lord chose to give me those experiences for a reason. He knew that I would be able to cope with it and with all the issues that arose from my abuse. He knew that because of what happened, I would be blessed to live with a family who loves me unconditionally and would teach me what I need to know to return to live with Him. He knew that it would eventually bring me closer to Him.

He knows why, and I know why He gave me these experiences. And that's the only why that matters.