Friday, November 4, 2011

The downward spiral of depression.

It's been quite a while since I've updated my blog. I've had a lot going on the last couple of months and just haven't really felt like writing anything.

This pregnancy has been a lot harder than my pregnancy with Amy. I was working full time with her at the hospital, and although I definitely had joint pain (especially by the end) and dealt with morning sickness, heartburn, etc. I didn't have any real "problems". I wish I could say the same this time around!

I've dealt with depression for most of my life due to my abuse, etc. I've been in counseling a few times, and always found it helpful. After Amy was born, I struggled with post-partum depression. Since I lost my insurance coverage when I left the hospital, I didn't really have any way to seek treatment, so I dealt with it as best I could. It wasn't easy. I was starting to feel a little better, and then I got pregnant again. My hormones flew out of control, and I began sinking deeper and deeper into depression.

The scary thing about depression for me is that I'm not depressed so much that I don't know what's going on. I KNOW that my thoughts, anxiety, worries, etc. are irrational. I know that a "normal" person would never think that way. But I can't help it. In my head, it sounds completely normal. Of course I must've done something wrong and now my friends don't want to be around me anymore because they don't like me. Makes perfect sense when I'm thinking it, but once I actually voice it, I can tell how "crazy" it sounds. I just can't stop myself from thinking it.

A couple of months ago, my depression got really bad. I was never suicidal, nor did I want to hurt anyone else. But I could barely function. I was completely apathetic. I was lethargic. I had no appetite. I could barely force myself to eat. I had extreme difficulty making even the most basic of decisions, like what to wear, or what to dress Amy in, or what color diaper to put her in. I was lonely but I didn't want to be around people, because I felt like my negativity would bring everyone down. I got really good at faking being happy so that people wouldn't ask me what was wrong, or how they could help, because really, you can't. If I didn't have Amy forcing me to get up every day to take care of her, I would have happily stayed in bed all day, every day. I cried for no reason, sometimes several times a day.

In a nutshell, I felt horrible. I was more depressed than I had ever felt before, by a long shot. Fortunately, I was able to start going to counseling again. I've been seeing my therapist for over a month now. She, my OB, and I decided that with the way things were feeling for me, that I needed some extra help. So, for the first time ever, I'm on medication to help my depression.

The turnaround has been amazing. I've been taking meds for 3 weeks now, and I feel much, much better. I'm not back to my "normal" self yet. I don't know how long that will take. But between the medication and continuing therapy, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. One of the hardest things about depression is that it feels so hopeless. Will I ever stop feeling this way? Will I ever feel like "me" again? Is this only going to get worse?

But there IS hope! I know that my Heavenly Father loves me, and I know that He and my Savior are with me. The trials in my life become bearable when I can remember that. He will not abandon me. He puts people in the right places around me to help me heal and to cope. And in my darkest moments when I'm sobbing in bed with the covers over my head and just wishing that it were over, He sends the Holy Spirit to comfort me and to remind me that I am not alone, and that my Savior has felt everything that I feel now.

I am so grateful for the knowledge I have, and for the love my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have for me.

No comments:

Post a Comment