Content warning: infidelity/adultery (non-graphic), language
My marriage was on pretty rocky ground. I was unhappy. Brett was unhappy. We weren't communicating well. But every relationship goes through hard times, and I assumed this would be no different. That we would find a way to work through it, and come out the other side stronger.
I have a pretty wide network of online friends, largely due to mommy groups and groups on Facebook designed to provide community for people questioning Mormonism and transitioning out of the church. Many of these people, despite their importance to me, I've never actually met in person. Doesn't make our friendship any less real, it just shifts how we honor that.
I used to spend a lot (a LOT) of time on my phone messaging people. It annoyed the crap out of Brett. We'd be sitting in bed watching Netflix and my phone would start dinging, and you could just feel his irritation rising. I made a conscious effort to put my phone down while spending time together so he could see that my focus was on us.
One night (February 25, 2015 if you're curious), as we were sitting in bed watching Netflix per usual, we were partway through a show when it struck me that...Brett had been on his phone an awful lot. Like..a LOT, a lot. That was never his thing, it was mine. And suddenly, he's messaging someone pretty constantly. At one point in the evening, I semi-casually glanced over to try to see what he was doing on his phone. He moved it, with just enough time for me to realize I didn't recognize the app he was using but not enough time to see what he was messaging. I was confused and puzzled.
After a while, he fell asleep as I continued to watch Netflix. I couldn't sleep. I had this horrible gut feeling that I just couldn't shake. So, I picked up his phone off the bed and took both his and mine into the bathroom and locked the door. Neither of our phones were password protected (and we'd shared the passwords for all our email accounts with each other long before).
As I started poking around on his phone, I came across an app called Kik that I'd never seen before. I opened it and started reading through some of his messages, instantly seeing the chat he'd been on all night.
I was shocked and horrified as I scrolled through hours of messages between my husband and another woman, messages that were very explicitly sexual in nature and included a number of photos exchanged between them. They talked about meeting up after Brett's hockey game later that week. I was shaking as I used my phone to take pictures of the messages on his screen, not wanting to risk him finding any screenshots later on. I still have those pictures.
The rest of that night is kind of a blur. I know I didn't sleep. I remember texting my best friends from high school at some point, just utterly blindsided and completely in shock. I know at some point I put his phone back. He got up the next morning for work or school, noticing that I looked pretty rough. I told him I hadn't really slept much, which isn't terribly uncommon for me. He left.
I spent the day systematically logging into his various email accounts trying to figure out what email he was using. I knew there had to be more going on. I almost didn't find it and was getting somewhat frustrated, until I remembered the email he'd told me about creating back when he was in a punk band in high school. I logged in, and there it was.
Months worth of message notifications from dating websites, primarily Plenty of Fish (under a fake name, Wes). An account on RedTube, which I found out is a porn site. Emails he'd exchanged with women, dating back to the beginning of December 2014 that seemed to start in the middle of an exchange and indicated it had been going on for a while.
I couldn't believe it. I sure as hell didn't want to believe it. I was completely devastated. And then I was angry. How DARE he? Not only was he not being supportive as I struggled through one of the most difficult experiences of my life, but he was cheating? And had been, for months! Olivia was THREE MONTHS OLD when he started all of this, at least from what I could tell. Who knows how long it had actually been going on??
When Brett and I had talked about getting married, I told him very straightforwardly there were only 2 things I would ever divorce him for: abuse, and infidelity. And as I sat there with my jaw on the floor staring this in the face, I knew that was it. The timeline of the next part gets pretty fuzzy for me, as it all happened within a couple of days, so things may be a little out of order but this is how I remember them in more or less the order they happened.
So, I signed up for an account on Plenty of Fish. Fake name. Fake picture. Short bio, with pieces I knew would draw his attention, like my love of hockey. Within a few hours, he had messaged my fake account (Lily). This part gets kind of confusing so I'm going to refer to the fake accounts by their fake names.
Wes and Lily chatted back and forth for a bit. In the meantime, I arranged a free consult with an attorney. Wes pretty quickly brought up the idea of meeting Lily, and I figured a confrontation in public was the safest thing for everyone involved. I went to my consultation and explained my situation to the attorney, who was very nice and supportive and applauded my plan to confront him in a public place.
Just before Brett got off work on the 27th, Wes messaged Lily explaining that he had plans after his hockey game the next night (which I knew since I'd read his messages about meeting another woman), but that he would love to meet up with me before his game, he just needed to check something. Almost immediately I got a phone call from Brett, letting me know he was on his way home. Oh, and he knew I was exhausted since I hadn't slept the night or two before, so why didn't I just plan to take some Nyquil tomorrow night when the kids went to bed, and he'd just leave early to go watch the game before his?
I agreed it was a perfect idea and we hung up. Wes then messaged Lily, confirming he was free before his game and suggesting a specific bar/restaurant to meet at, which was only 10 or so minutes from the house.
I reached out to friends. 2 of my friends from high school were going to go with me, to drive so I didn't have to and to provide moral support. A friend from church would stay at the house with the kids while I was gone.
There was a brief moment that night when I thought he might've figured it out. I'd forgotten to turn off the notifications on my app, and so my phone beeped right when he sent a message, a couple of times, but I played it off and he didn't try to change plans.
The next night, he got ready for his game. I went to the bathroom and swished with Nyquil so he'd smell it on me, confirming with my friends that they were waiting around the corner out of sight. He kissed me goodnight and left.
I sprang up out of bed, fired off quick texts to my friends, changed, and started throwing clothes into a duffel for him. One of my friends upon her arrival saw me putting Brett's temple garments in the bag and pointed out the irony of making sure to include those when I was busting him for adultery. The irony wasn't lost on me.
We drove over to the restaurant, finding a parking spot just a couple of spaces away from Brett's car. I used my spare key to pop the trunk and stuck the overnight bag in next to his hockey equipment, and then the three of us headed inside.
Next: The Confrontation, or Hi Wes, I'm Lily
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