MCBC 2012 (Part 3); or, Why I Go to Camp

Do me a favor and read these in order, even though it's showing this one at the top. :D

So, why do I go to camp? It's taking a week away from my husband and kids. It's taking care of someone else's kids and dealing with their issues. It is HARD. It means dealing with homesickness from the campers, the other counselors, and myself. It means eating kosher camp food for a week...yikes. It is exhausting.

I go because of what camp means to me. I attended camp for 3 years as a camper, starting when I was 16, because that's when I found out about it. How I wish I had been able to go sooner! It was so good for me to be around other kids who had been burned. I always had Chandra, but she dealt with her scars so differently. I was always self-conscious, even when I tried so hard not to be. I was bullied for years, teased from my first day of kindergarten through my freshman year of COLLEGE.

Camp let me see other burned kids. It let me see a variety of them, especially kids who were okay with who they were. It helped me learn to be okay with who I am, and to see that while my scars are a part of who I am, they don't define me. They were an injury--I am not an injured person. 

I am NOT a victim. I am a survivor. Camp taught me that.

And that's why I go to camp now. Because the other campers and the counselors had such an impact on me as a teenager. Because as corny as it sounds, camp changed my life and my perspective. And somewhere out there, there is probably at least one kid who feels like I did. Someone who is going through what I went through. Someone who is embarrassed, who is teased, and who constantly feels self-conscious. And maybe, just maybe, I can have that same impact on them.

Because life DOES go on. I remember being told in 2nd grade by the popular boy I had a crush on that I would never get married, because no one could possibly love me since I was so ugly because of my scars. I still remember that, although it doesn't hurt me anymore. I remember exactly where we were, the tone of his voice, the look on his face, and the laughter of his friends. But it's not true. Burn scars don't mean your life is over. They don't make you unlovable. They don't prevent you from doing anything you set your mind to doing.

Linda Hansen, the executive director of BRSG, and until this year the camp director, refers to me as one of camp's "success stories". And I am!  

I am proud of who I am. And I want every child who comes to burn camp to be proud of who they are, too.

MCBC 2012 (Part 2)

Continuing with some more activities the Ponies did....

The water slide, which is new since the last time I was at camp. I will readily admit, I was scared to go down this slide. It's steep, and long, and when you shoot out the bottom, you've about a 5-foot drop to the water. And it is FAST. But, I did it.

So, some shots of Ponies on the slide. Looking at the top, where you grab those yellow diamond-looking handlebars to hurl yourself over the ledge and onto the slide:

A shot of one of the boys starting out at the top, I was trying to let you see how big the slide is, but it's not quite capturing it:

And someone (I think Nikki maybe?) hurtling out the bottom:

Yeah. Scary.  So, what else did we do? There was archery, and low ropes courses (which are team-building exercises), the pool, water toys, tubing, and a nature exhibit from the department of conservation. It was a really awesome week! Plus we had evening activities, which included the opening campfire, a pool party, clown night, a cookout, the talent show, and the world-famous dance. So much stuff! Here are a few more random pictures.

Me driving a gold cart (yes, me). It's a long story, really. But, despite Uncle Larry, the camp director, taking us on a horribly frightening route over some awful terrain, I did not overturn or otherwise damage the golf cart or the 2 new counselors unlucky enough to be in my cart:

Me with Galen, a Pony boy's counselor, and Denae, the girl's Pony Group Leader:

Me with Chris Houska, a longtime friend, and now a fellow counselor:

It was really a blast. I had a great time, and so did my girls.

But why do I go? Stay tuned!

MCBC 2012 (Part 1)

So, as I've mentioned, I went to Missouri Children's Burn Camp this summer to volunteer as a counselor. The last time I went was in 2007, just after Brett and I were married. It was definitely tough to leave Brett and the kids for a whole week, and I struggled with homesickness, mainly at night when I wanted to be home rocking Amy and cuddling her before bed. Fortunately, my in-laws made themselves available to come stay with Brett and the kids, which was great for a variety of reasons. I know I've said it before (and probably will many times in the future), but my in-laws are such amazing people, and I am so blessed to have them in my life.

Brett dropped me off at the pick-up location around 8:30am on Sunday morning (Aug. 5th). We drove down in a couple of 15-passenger vans (plus a couple of pickups and a huge trailer for all our junk), arriving at Camp Sabra around, oh, 11am-ish. We spent Sunday getting to know each other and the Sabra staff (or, the "A-team", meaning the staff in charge of the activities.). Camp Sabra supplies all the lifeguards, boat drivers, cooks/kitchen staff, etc.  After a bunch of icebreakers, we spent a while getting our cabins ready for our campers, which meant decorating! This year's camp theme was pirates, so there was a lot of pirate-y stuff...for lack of a better term.

The stage in the dining hall, redecorated:

Campers arrived at lunchtime on Monday, and from there, the week was a veritable whirlwind of activity. I was with the youngest age group, so I had 6 girls ages 6-9 (the "Pony" age), with 2 other counselors.

Left to right: Danae, the "Pony" girls' group leader, me, Nikki, and AJ

A picture of some of my girls (the only picture I can find of all of them is a hard copy and I don't have a scanner) at arts & crafts:

There were a few challenges throughout the week, but they really were a sweet bunch of girls. And fearless. Holy cow. Now, remember that these girls are, at the oldest, 9. We didn't have any 6-year-olds, so the youngest were 7. And these girls did EVERYTHING.

We're talking climbing the climbing wall (two of them, all the way to the top):

They, with the boys, are the only Pony group to ever do the zipline (which was moved this year, and is really, REALLY long and a little more nerve-wracking than before):

Also, Nikki, although a firefighter, is TERRIFIED of heights. I was so proud of her as she chose to do the zipline anyway! Go Nikki!

To be continued...

What do you do?

I know I've got a lot of catching up to do, what with Burn Camp and all, but there's something that's been on my mind for a few weeks that just has me completely flummoxed.

What do you do when someone you've been close with decides to cut ties? What do you do when you have no idea why? How do you respond when the email you get is completely bewildering?

For her sake, I won't name her. I'm not calling her out. I don't want mutual friends to start bugging her on my behalf. I just...need to get this out, to try to figure out my feelings.

Brett and I have been friends with this woman and her husband for most of our marriage. We love them! We spent a ton of time together. We were deeply involved in each other's lives. She was my best friend. And then she kind of....disappeared.

I called. And texted. And facebooked. And emailed. (Rinse, and repeat.) I finally stopped for couple of weeks because I thought maybe I was being obnoxious by trying so hard. I knew she'd gotten pregnant, and I was so excited for her! I wanted to drop off a gift for her, but knew she'd gotten a new job recently and so I didn't know when she'd be home. Eventually, I called and left another message inviting them over to celebrate Amy's birthday with us.

And in response, I got the most bewildering email I've ever gotten. I won't share it, because it's not really anyone else's business, but let's just say it created more questions than it answered. It made references to 'turning a blind eye to the path you have chosen' and that they 'hope you can make the best of your future.'

Almost a month later, and I still can't make heads or tails of 3/4 of the email. Regardless, I still have feelings about it. Mostly, hurt. I am just so hurt by it. First, because she chose to end our friendship, in my opinion out of the blue. I have always taken the loss of a friend extremely hard. I love my friends, and when I love someone, I love them deeply. Losing a friend (or two, in this case), especially under such puzzling circumstances, feels like I've been completely rejected and cast aside. It's incredibly painful.

Second, because I don't understand. It's difficult to accept something I don't understand. I know I don't have control over others, obviously, but it's painful when I'm left groping in the dark for answers that aren't there. I responded to her email, expressing my confusion. I don't expect to get a response. I doubt I'll ever really know why this has happened, and that really bothers me. I feel like I need closure, and for that to happen, I need answers. But that's really not in my power.

I miss her. She was my best friend for years. She and her husband are incredible, dedicated, fun, loving people. I'm sure they'll make fantastic parents, and I wish them all the best. I just wish I could still be a part of their lives...or at least know why I've been unceremoniously cast away.

Broadening My Horizons

I have to admit, I've always been envious of people who are creative and crafty. Like my sister Kristin, for example. She always makes the cutest stuff! Decorations for different holidays, fun crafts with her boys, you name it. I've never felt like I had the talent for that kind of thing--or the patience! But, since getting onto Pinterest, I've taken more of an interest.

So, I've done a few things, have a couple in the works, and ideas for more projects that I would love to do. So far I've painted letters for the kids' room (I did Amy's name after she was born, so I did David's name), made a wreath for our friends' front door to replace this hideous thing the old lady before them left, sewed curtains for the kids' room, refashioned some flip-flops, and painted a canvas as a birthday gift (twice, because the first time I smeared the paint because I thought it was dry). Not too bad! I'm still not great at it and things tend to take me quite a while to do because frequently I have to do them over. But I'm really enjoying it!

A few things I have in the works: refashioning a little wooden step stool I found at Goodwill, sewing curtains for the kitchen and our bedroom, working on an easy & cheap pirate costume for Burn Camp in August, coming up with shelving for my spices in the kitchen, and re-painting the canvas I messed up. I feel so productive when I'm doing things like this! Plus, I'm discovering how much fun it is. No wonder my sisters craft! Although I don't know that I have the patience for quilting like Annette does.

I get all excited about prospective crafts now. A lot of the things I'd like to do I may as well wait until we have a house, since I'm severely limited on what I can do with a rental property. But, there are a couple of things I'm trying to get Brett on board with, including this adorable toddler-sized bench that actually looks simple to make and would be WAY cute in Amy's room.

I'll take some pictures of some of my recent accomplishments once I find the SD card for the camera. Not really sure what happened to it. It was probably swiped by a certain cute toddler who shall remain nameless. :)

"Heaven is Here"

I've been following Stephanie Nielson's blog for quite a while now. She is a young mother who, with her husband and a family friend, were in a horrific plane crash. Her husband was burned over 30% of his body. Stephanie was burned over 80% of her body. It's a miracle that she survived not just the crash and the initial injuries, but also the frequent unending surgeries and procedures that a burn that extensive requires.

As a burn survivor myself, I can understand at least a small piece of what she's been through. Granted, her experiences have been much different; still, there's a sort of camaraderie among those of us who have had to endure the mental, physical, and emotional trials that are unavoidable in such a situation.

NieNie recently published a memoir called "Heaven is Here", talking about her life before the crash as well as the crash itself and the aftermath. I'd been planning on asking Brett to give it to me for my birthday, but my mom surprised me with it last week. (What can I say? She definitely knows me!) I had assumed I'd race through it that night like I usually do with books, but I couldn't.

It took me a few days to read Nienie's book, and I just finished it last night. It was incredibly well written, and I loved it. But for me, it was an incredibly difficult read. (Most of why it took me so long to read it? I was crying hard enough that I had to keep stopping to blink/wipe away tears so I could see the page. I cried through 2/3 of the book.) I think it would be hard for anyone to read such a heart-wrenching story. Having experienced some of the same things, I couldn't detach myself from the emotions of the book. I've felt so much of what she did. And my heart just broke for her, not because I pity her or feel sorry for her, but because of what she has been through and the way she has faced her trials.

Nienie talks, among other things, about how difficult it was to accept the way she looked, her insecurities about being able to care for her (then) four children, her fear of being rejected by her children, and her fear of being unattractive to her husband. Some of her fears came true--one of her daughters, after seeing her for the first time after the accident, wouldn't look at her for weeks. But she faced each challenge, and with the help of her family and her Heavenly Father, she met each challenge with faith, hope, and with grace.

My challenges as a burn survivor have been different since my injuries were so much earlier in life. I don't remember a time before I was burned. But many of my fears have been so similar! Insecurities about my body and the way I look. Fear that I would never find a man who could love me or find me attractive in spite of my scars. Fear that my emotional scars would prevent me from raising children and caring for them the way I wanted to. So many fears! I don't usually think of myself as a fearful person. In fact, I think I'm pretty bold! But when I consider some of my more irrational worries, I see a side of myself that I really don't like. Reading Nienie's book was like looking in a mirror and seeing not just my fears and the "darker" side of myself that I try to avoid so much, but seeing what kind of a woman, a wife, and a mother I can become if I continue to rely on my Heavenly Father. It gives me hope that even though I still deal with the vast amount of emotional baggage that comes from my abuse, that I can still be the woman I hope to be if I have faith and work hard at it. So thank you, Nienie!

Toward the end of her book, she talks about an opportunity to meet and visit with Elder Holland, one of the leaders of our church. She writes about a few of the things he told her, and this quote really hit me hard:

"We look for Christ's scars because they are evidence of what He did for us. They'll be the first things He shows us when we see Him again. Your scars tell a story, too. Although they may not make you feel attractive, they are a witness of a miracle, that God blessed you to live, and that you have accomplished very difficult things."

My scars tell a story. They certainly don't make me feel attractive. But they are a witness of a miracle. I was blessed to live, to be accepted into a loving family, and to rise above the circumstances that have contributed so greatly to who I am. I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who knows me, and who guides my life so that I can return to live with Him.

A Salute to Fatherhood

Seeing as today is Father's Day, I think it's a perfect time to acknowledge the wonderful men in my life.

My dad has been gone for many years now. I still think of him, and I still miss him. I wish I'd known him longer, wish I'd known him better. I wish he were here to see the woman I've become. I know that he's aware of me, but I wish I could...I don't know, talk to him. Have a relationship with him. Dad did so much for me. He definitely wasn't perfect. He did a lot of things wrong. But he was working on his problems. He had so much in his life to overcome, and he tried. I think that's one of the things I admire most about him. I wish he could've had more time here. But he was a good man, and despite his many imperfections, I still love  and respect and admire him.

A couple of years after Dad passed away, a new man came into my life. Mom met Paul and they began a friendship that deeply affected me. There are so many things about Paul that I admire so much. He has such a strong faith in and love of Christ and of God. He is a deeply spiritual man, and I love that about him. He has taught me so much in my life, and I'm grateful for his influence, his love, his compassion, and his patience. I wouldn't be the same person without him.

My father-in-law, Barry, is a great man. He has a hilarious sense of humor. It's always clear how much he loves his family. He adores his grandkids. He's always willing to offer help and advice. He honors his priesthood and serves faithfully in the church. I know he's not perfect, but he is a righteous man and a great example for his family. I'm grateful that my kids have him as someone to look up to.

Brett is an amazing man. He is a great husband and a wonderful father.  He makes me laugh. I just love his sense of humor. There is never any doubt in my mind that he loves me and our children. He loves playing with the kids. He helps around the house. He does so much for our family. He has a deep love of the Gospel and a strong testimony. He'll probably kill me for saying this, too, but one of the things I love most about him is his capacity for emotion. A lot of guys seem like they try to hide their emotions. Brett has always been honest about them with me, and doesn't seem to be afraid to show his feelings. I love that tenderness about him. He's a sweet, kind, loving man. I am so blessed to have him, and to be able to be with him and our kids forever.

I'm grateful for the many men who have had such an impact on my life.