The Waiting Game, or the Roller Coaster

Content warning: brief mention of sex, infidelity, brief language

Brett moved out and moved in with his mistress, opting to move into a one-bedroom apartment with her that meant he couldn't really have the kids overnight regularly. He'd take them on occasion but by and large, I began functioning as a full time parent.

It bears pointing out that as soon as I had discovered Brett's infidelity, I started working part time at a local movie theater (having been out of the work force for 5 years and needing some money coming in, in addition to school). In August of that year, on Amy's birthday, I started working full time for Cigna as a customer service rep. I did not return to school. I stayed at Cigna for just shy of 2 years.

Man, divorces are EXPENSIVE. Brett and I by that point both acknowledged the need for a divorce but neither of us had the money to actually hire an attorney. He continued his relationship with Kathryn. I eventually started dating that winter.

Co-parenting with Brett has been a roller coaster from day 1. Some times we'd be getting along well and work together fairly seamlessly. Other times, we were very much at odds and arguments were plenty and plenty ugly.

We had agreed at one point that the other co-parent would get to meet any partners prior to them being introduced to the kids. That meant meeting Kathryn. I specifically requested that we meet for drinks because honestly, I needed some alcohol to be able to deal with actually being face to face with that woman.

This was during one of the better times between Brett and I, and was before I started dating. He and I had actually slept together a few times since splitting up, and he had been very candid (and rather proud) about having had unprotected sex with several women off Tinder. While with Kathryn. After leaving me for her. And still sleeping with me.

Kathryn and I met and talked over drinks. We asked each other a few questions. Eventually she flat out asked me if I thought he would cheat again. I practically spit out my drink, but considered carefully. There was no way she would believe me if I told her. I would just be the vindictive, petty ex-wife trying to ruin their relationship...or whatever.

So instead I told her, "Absolutely, 100%, if he hasn't already. You should really get tested." To which she responded, "Why, do you have something?"

Oooooh, the nerves of that woman. I don't remember exactly what I said to that, but it was to the effect of, no, but I don't know where he's been since me.

After I began dating my first girlfriend, several months into our relationship he finally met her. After that I stopped really caring about his approval, to be honest, because I'm poly and have more partners to coordinate, and it just didn't make sense. Besides, I wasn't the one who'd taken up with another person while we were still together.

There were many incidents during this time that just enraged me. One of the most vivid is Mothers' Day of 2016. I had the kids. We'd had kind of a crazy day, and ran to Schnucks so I could pick up some sushi for dinner because dammit, it was my day and I wanted sushi. As soon as we pulled into the parking lot, both girls started vomiting in the back of the car. Come to find out, they'd gotten into the bottle of kids' multivitamins and eaten an unknown number of them. We bolted for home and I called poison control, who told me to take them to the ER immediately since the vitamins had iron in them. I did, calling Brett on the way to let him know I had it handled. I declined an offer from one of my partners to come with me, as I wasn't sure if Brett was going to show up and I didn't want to cause any issues.

Sure enough, he showed up about half an hour later WITH KATHRYN. On Mothers' Day. He brought her with him into the exam room with our children, and she had the gall to actually attempt to parent David right in front of me. Suffice it to say there were many, many daggers being glared in their general direction that night.

A little while later, she was headed to McDonald's to grab food for her and Brett. They asked if I wanted anything and I asked for a Dr. Pepper. After she left, my phone went off and I saw I had a text from Brett...clearly mistakenly sent to me instead of Kathryn. He relayed his food order and added, "And a Dr. Pepper for Cunty." I flipped my shit and replied that "Cunty" didn't need anything after all, thanks so much. Kathryn responded that I didn't have a leg to stand on in regard to name-calling. They weren't fond of my tendency to refer to her interchangeably as Brett's mistress or his whore. Whore may have been inaccurate, but last time I checked, a woman having an affair with a married man is called a mistress.

I know this post is all over the place. Those couple of years were just...chaotic. At the very end of October 2016, Brett and Kathryn finally moved into a 2-bedroom place and he and I agreed on a 50-50 custody split while still not having anything formalized or on record with the court. Brett was paying the daycare fees, but nothing else. The eye of the hurricane lasted about 8 months before disaster struck again.

Next: Seeing Red, or Anything to Protect the Kids

A Request and an Ultimatum

Content warning: brief language, infidelity

These are getting more difficult to write. Part of it is because I try not to think about this too much, and part of it is that it is so emotionally draining to relive this. I know it's important, and I know it helps to bleed off some of the poison, so to speak, but it is painful. Painful and exhausting.

Brett ended up checking into an extended stay motel for a week. A few days after the confrontation, he asked me to come talk, so I went to his hotel. He tearfully begged me to consider reconciliation, that he didn't want a divorce.

I was honestly pretty shocked by that. Here was the man who had been threatening me with divorce since I'd stated my loss of belief in Mormonism, literally for months. And now that I'd caught him, he wanted me to stay???

But...part of me didn't want to lose him. He was my husband! I loved him. He was the father of my children. I had made a covenant, even if he'd broken it, and even if I didn't believe in "The Church" anymore, I had made promises before God.

So I said yes, with a but.

Yes, BUT:

• He would arrange marriage counseling for us immediately as well as child care. He would tell me when and where I needed to be, and I would be there.
• He would confess to the bishop (since he still professed to be Mormon at that point in time) and go through the required repentance process no matter what it involved.
• He would immediately cut ties with any other women he was seeing and focus on our marriage.

No exceptions. No excuses. No additional chances. He agreed. After the week was up, I let him come back to the house. He slept on the couch. We tried to make it work, and we even slept together a few times.

But counseling never happened. A single appointment was set up, which he cancelled the day of.

He did not go speak to the bishop. I actually reached out to our bishop, who I knew was a good man and would listen and help me regardless of my beliefs. I was very up front with him about my reasons for leaving the church and my determination not to go back. I explained what had happened with Brett. I believe he called Brett into a meeting, but the Stake President refused to hold a disciplinary counsel, stating that when Brett decided to come back to church, they would have one then. So he again avoided accountability for his actions.

Brett began spending a lot of time with a classmate from the university named Kathryn Bewig. There were a lot of "study sessions". I wasn't an idiot. It became pretty clear very quickly that they were in a relationship. I actually texted her one day, thinking that maybe she didn't realize he had a family since the other women obviously hadn't known.

Oh no. She knew. She chose to pursue him anyway, and responded to my message that IF we ended up getting back together, THEN she would back off.

I went on a trip to Utah to see friends with Olivia, who was about 9 months old at the time and still nursing. My neighbors across the street reported that they'd seen a woman at the house more than once while I was gone.

I had the kids on Mothers' Day. A friend reported that they'd run into Brett at the grocery store that day with a woman matching Kathryn's description.

Amy had been asked to be a flower girl at Brett's cousin's wedding at the beginning of May that year. We'd agreed before all this...ridiculousness...had happened. I didn't want to pull her out, and I sure as hell wasn't going to miss it.

So, in the most awkward of awkward situations, Brett and the kids and I all drove out together to Pittsburgh. We shared a hotel room, each of us taking a separate bed with one of the two older kids while Livvie's pack and play was in the middle space. 

The wedding was beautiful. A lot of family was there, including Brett's older sister and her family, and Brett's parents. Between the ceremony and the reception, a bunch of us were taking pictures. Heather was taking some pictures of Brett and the kids and I (much to my discomfort). I smiled and played family. I remember vividly Brett putting his arm around my waist at one point, and there's a picture Heather managed to snap in the moment that I reacted as I very quietly growled at him to move his hand and not touch me again. He complied.

The older two kids went back to Ohio with their grandparents, and Brett and I drove home with Olivia. The drive took half of eternity, filled mostly with awkward silences until we finally had The Talk. 

The Very Awkward Talk, in which I pointed out he'd done none of the things I'd told him needed to happen if we were to reconcile. I pointedly mentioned his relationship with Kathryn, and told him that if he was still serious about reconciling, that he needed to commit right then to breaking up with her as soon as we got home. His response?

"It's not fair to me to have to end things with her, because then if you and I still don't work out, I've lost both of you."

I'm pretty sure my jaw dropped before I could collect myself and then affirm that if he was unwilling to break things off with Kathryn, then I was done with the charade and would look to move forward with the divorce. I don't remember much conversation in the car after that.

He was sleeping on the couch one afternoon, and his phone was going off like crazy. I picked it up. He still hadn't put any sort of code on it, so I opened it and read his messages. It was Kathryn, worried that he was going to leave her for me.

His response?

"Why would I leave the one person who makes me happy for the person who makes me the most miserable?"

I saw red. I gently woke him by chucking his phone at his head and telling him to get the fuck out of my house right now, and not to come back. He ended up staying with some friends of ours with whom we'd been out of touch for a while. I'm still not really sure what he told them. Being Mormon, I have a hard time believing they'd support him if they knew what he'd done, but...stranger things have happened.

Next: The Waiting Game, or the Roller Coaster